How To Get Free Pizza: The Art Of Acting Dead

3 days down, 105 to go. That’s right, I’ve got a countdown app on my phone for this winter semester. It’s not that I’m excited for it to be over because that means my friends are returning, it’s that I’m excited to say in 105 days that I did my absolute best and completed 17.5 credits with flying colors. Haha, and maybe I’m a bit excited about my friends coming home. BYU feels a little different without them. It’s emptier. A shadow of what it used to mean. I walk by a building and my mind travels back to the memories I made there. For example, when I walk by the engineer building, I remember that one time I stayed there until the early hours of the morning watching Netflix in a classroom with J & R. This post, however, is not a pity party! In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

You’re probably asking yourself “what the heck Lena is the opposite of a pity party?!” Well, let’s break down the words. The antonym of ‘pity’ is ‘indifference’ and the antonym for ‘party’ is ‘chore’. So I guess this post is an indifferent chore.

Nahhh. It’s not that either! Shoot. Whatever will we do? We simply must label this post. Otherwise it will become an outcast post, and heaven forbid that happens. Or perhaps this post came before labels, like a hipster post. But then again, isn’t that a paradox?

Are you picking up what I’m laying down? I pay for university so that I can add subliminal messages so deep into my posts that you will need a sparknotes submarine to find them. Actually, I pay for university so that I can participate in cool events for free pizza. One of those events happened yesterday and it was so funny that it would be selfish for me to keep it to my journal.

My friend Kylie (you may remember her as Sister Schrade) works as an EMT for my university. They were hiring people and needed help for the “audition process”. Emily (yup, that’s Sister Miller for those who forgot) and I were thrown into wardrobe and makeup and transformed into 2 patients in need of urgent medical attention. In our given situation, Emily was 5 months pregnant and had hit me, a pedestrian, with her car. My intestines were falling out and I had seriously head trauma. Emily went into shock and eventually passed out during the scene. Job applicants came into the room one at a time and had 9 minutes to save our lives.

We reenacted this scene for 2 hours. By the end, my voice was hurting from screaming so much and my neck was soar from wearing that stupid collar thing to keep my head in place. *picture below for your viewing pleasure* I feel so prepared if I ever get into a car accident! I know it’s not a pop quiz or anything, but I would definitely pass. “Don’t cut off my shirt, it’s my favorite! The wound is a lacerate cut on my intestines, but don’t worry, I have 21 feet of them.”

There were a few awkward highlights that can’t be forgotten! hee hee, I wish you guys could see the slight curl on my lips beginning to form just thinking about this. Devious. When the job applicant comes in, he/she is assigned a EMT partner who will do whatever they say, but nothing they don’t say. This just allows the job applicant to really demonstrate his skill in a more realistic practice. One of the job applicants came in to save our lives, and he turned out to be a kid I had gone on a blind date with a few weeks prior. Here’s the awkward part. He didn’t even attempt to save my life. He focused all his energy on Emily and didn’t even bother to come and look at my condition as the dying pedestrian with my intestines spilling out over the street. Um, what if that had been real life?! Well you know what they say, “don’t save lives of people you’ve dated”…oh wait, they don’t say that!

Lena Tip: If you ever want to weed out people to date; try dying and see what they do.

The other awkward moment? Guys I am really ticklish. It’s unhuman how ticklish I am. The job applicant had to frisk my body to check for any other injuries and I would spazz out because it tickled! I hope if I ever get into a real accident, my body will shut off it’s ticklish mechanism, because man was that embarrassing! “Does your femur hurt ma’am?” “no, it’s just really ticklish!”

IMG_20150106_180224569

the lady lena
THIS THING. hate it. I felt like a dog in the cone of shame.
here's a peak at my organs spilling out
here’s a peak at my organs spilling out
Isn't Emily just the cutest pregnant lady you've ever seen?!
Isn’t Emily just the cutest pregnant lady you’ve ever seen?!
My roommates were quite terrified when they came home to this lovely face
My roommates were quite terrified when they came home to this lovely face

These are the moments that I go to college for. I pay thousands in tuition for these memories, and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Now if you don’t mind me, I’m off to edit something special for you. A late Christmas present if you will.

Love,

Lena

alena@helzer.eu

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